Saturday, 26 January 2013

Three Step Turkey Recipe for unwanted visitors

We have all tried it. The entire family turns up unexpectedly, unannounced and unwanted.

They of cause assume you are in the mood to entertain and feed them. There they are, sitting at the table, looking at you, smiling, waiting, hungry. 

So what do you do?? 
Don't panic, my Three Step Turkey Recipe will provide the perfect meal.

Three Step Turkey Recipe

Step 1: Place raw turkey* on large serving plate
Step 2: Cover completely in fake tan
Step 3: Server with a smile and excuse yourself.

* If you don't have turkey, use chicken instead.

Friday, 25 January 2013

My top 5 tips on how to be a BRILLIANT friend

Been out with the girls, brain spinning, what an eventful evening!!!
Can't sleep, on a complete high!!!  Might as well Blog about it :)

I have been such a liar, one thing after another, right from the word go.
Here is how to be a brilliant friend.

  • If you have a friend, who lives for chocolate and have the wobbles to show it, who tries to drill herself into a size 11, which rips, and you help her blame it on the dress THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!
  • If you have a friend who uses so much make-up that you have trouble recognising her, and who wears less than the legal and socially expected amount of clothes when going to the pub, and you don't tell her that she looks like someone who earns her money lying down THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!
  • If you have a friend who has been dumped by her boy friend, and who needs your shoulder to cry on while sitting on a freezing curb for 45 minutes, while her runny mascara is staining your new coat, and you don't tell her that she owes you for the dry-cleaning THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!
  • If you have a friend who for the n'th time don't have enough money for a taxi home and you are worried for her safety, and you drive her home safely home without telling her that she should get herself a job as the benefits are not stretching to help with the petrol or a generous tip THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!
  • And if you have a friend who is still upset about her stupid boy friend that dumped her, and generally seems unable to stop crying and really could do with a friendly face in the morning, and you let her sleep in your bed next to you, despite her looking washed up and needing a bath THEN YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FRIEND!
Nite nite Bev - you smelly thing!! :))

Thursday, 24 January 2013

How to deny climate change in 5 easy steps

What is the best way for someone to deny that climate change is man-made or even happening?

Look no further, I have made up this easy 5 step guide.

Happy reading :))

Step 1: Make sure to mention that it is not your problem. For example, you can point out that you do not live in a place threatened by sea-level rises.

Step 2: Blame the rapid warming observed in the last 15 years on the last ice-age, the sun or simply suggest that it is just one of those things. Anything goes as long as you stay well clear of 'man burning fossil fuels'.

Step 3: Ignore all scientific evidence compiled in the last 15 years. Try to rubbish all the research by pointing out smaller mistakes you have heard about in the news. Don't worry about the details, ignorance is a strong argument against global warming.

Step 4: Make up your own scientific data to prove that man-made global warming is a fallacy. Don't worry about the details or that you are not a climate scientist. Quote often and with conviction from your data.

Step 5: Claim that global warming is a conspiracy, cleverly orchestrator by 2500 climate scientists, the world's Governments and anyone else you feel threatened by, in an attempt to make you pay more tax, or for some other reason you are unhappy about.

Finally, using one or more of the above points, post your global warming misgivings everywhere, as often as you get the chance. Remember the more we deny global warming the quicker it will go away.

If you need further help, this BBC web-page contains examples of people posting denials, making excellent use of my easy 5 step guide. 
Enjoy! Great global warming denial statements

My girl friends are boring.

My girl friends are boring. There I've said it! Yes, I am girl, and yes, they would properly 'kill' me if they knew. But they don't and BTW it is true.

They are really nice, we all get on well, but never seem to talk about much else than make-up, who is doing whom - locally where we live, in celebrity circles and in Eastenders, clothes, shoes. You get the picture. Typical girl stuff. Sometimes fun. But honestly, yawn!

There are so many other interesting things in the world to talk about. But when I try to point out that the Mars Curiosity Rover is making a bold attempt to discover life on Mars, their eyes go wobbly and they immediately give me that 'OMG' look. If I am lucky my attempt to stimulate intelligent conversation is met with a 'Really?'. Followed by 'Did any of you know that Donna is seeing Nick?'

Anyway, did you try to figure out this puzzle, which I made up all by myself :) :)
PUYOB 0001 - Target Shooting